Living authentically in the digital age.
Part 1
Does anyone else put so much pressure on themselves that nothing ever seems good enough? I feel like with the opportunity to constantly see other peoples successes and milestones through the internet, we have been oversaturated with human potential. At the end of the day, we as humans are not meant to be exposed to so many different peoples lives. Technology and everything that has come after it has yes, given so many of us a way of divulging our ideas, talent and creativity; however, it also means more room for comparison, self-criticism and pressure to keep up. I for one definitely notice myself comparing my successes to those I look up to through simply scrolling social media, and almost spend more time being frustrated with myself than actually doing something about it. When I think about it, I don’t have issue with comparing myself to people IRL, I’d say I am pretty secure in who I am (I can credit this to my older sister who drilled self-love mantras into me for the last 10 years). There is that saying, ‘comparison is the thief of joy’, which is all well and good but how can people not compare themselves when we are inundated with thousands of different profiles online? I guess this has turned into a bit of a h*te speech about social media. I do think it’s a massive hurdle in ones quest for higher self-esteem. Even though I have just dumped on it, there are attributes through a creative lens that are quite positive…
Part 2
I do have a love/ hate relationship with posting on social media, hence my pockets of silence. For us to exist in the world we live in today, social media is embedded into most of us, day to day. I love visual creativity be it through photographs, videos, music or of course writing. Instagram is a great place to harness that for people, however it of course comes with putting yourself out there for others to essentially ‘judge’. I had the absolute pleasure of being on the wonderful Brooke’s podcast, ‘Disabled and Proud’ (link below) the other day. Brooke brilliantly put that Instagram is like your own shop window, and I can’t stop seeing it that way anymore, we are choosing what to display and anyone can come and see. We are sort of hanging ourselves out to dry, it’s quite vulnerable when I think about it. I always feel like I’m a walking contradiction as i want to put out my writing and other forms of expression, then when it comes to it I back out from the fear of my work being perceived wrong. I’m naturally an over thinker inside, even if it doesn’t seem it! Link this with bouts of self-criticism (see above) and that leaves lots of things being unpublished. So I’ve recently been telling myself actually you know what, it’s so cringe for people to judge others and look down on people doing something they feel special about! I’m currently listening to a song by Hannah Cohen, ‘this is your life’ and it got me thinking. We didn’t choose to come into this world at this time, engulfed in the digital age. Yes the internet does not help but if we start to shift how we view it and use it for ourselves (this is as much a reminder for me btw). We shouldn’t live by others but try our hardest to live authentically as ourselves. I babble on about it but we do really just have this one life, one take. F*ck the rest and do what makes you happy! It’s easier said than done, and to be transparent I’m writing and posting this on a day where I feel more at ease with the idea/ quite secure in myself. It’s not to say tomorrow I might find the notion near impossible, and I most certainly don’t have a good day everyday. At the end of the day all we can do is try our best; but it will make it a hell of a lot easier to get to know yourself simply by living for yourself.
~Epilogue~
This blog I guess is a time stamp of where I’m at while going through trying to grapple on to figuring it all out. Trauma has hit me multiple times along the way in my life, and it’s built me to become a stronger version of myself. The adversities I’ve faced (the Tsunami that took my dad when I was 7, and the accident which took my leg) have given me an innate realisation of how precious our existence is. I know my life purpose, even not as a career, but perhaps just overall to pass this message on and help others. Disclaiming however that this is all whilst helping myself along the way as I’m still figuring so much out along the way! We are all very intricate and nuanced beings. Don’t put yourself in a box and just follow what you want to do. For example: I might come across strong, but as a result of trauma I’ve also been left with complex anxiety, and can still be susceptible to big depressive episodes. I’m constantly trying to keep afloat day to day, as are all of us. No two days are the same, and ‘happiness’ is not an end result, but a nuanced and jagged flow we find.
I am so grateful for anyone who has been alongside this blog and thank you for actually reading it! I have so many ideas floating round, dreams and aspirations to work toward. Also just want to S/O three lovely people for having me join their creative endeavours, Brooke with the Disabled and Proud podcast; my best friend Lucy for her first ever episode on the Tairo podcast; and last but certainly not least, Tabby giving this very blog (!) a beautiful feature in the 1st edition of Fables Magazine. Thank you and I look up to you all.
Click for the Disabled and Proud Podcast
Click for the Tairo Podcast , launched today!
Click for Fables
Grateful Peg x
Hug Thy Neighbour.
*I would like to preface that this blog is a space for myself to correlate my thoughts and express my opinions (yes, publicly) on things largely stemming from within my own life. It is based and affected by my own experiences whether from leg complications or mental strains. I will leave politics, current events and news out of this, as its just not the space for it. That being said, the on-going devastation happening in the world, from Ukraine to Palestine are hard to get out of my head. Millions of innocent people are being displaced from their homes, their lives destroyed, the homes they grew up in perished. Innocent people are paying the price for things out of their control. Civilians and homes are targeted. Children, Mothers and hospitals are getting targeted. Either losing life or limbs, as well as separation from their parents/Fathers. I am fortunate enough to only try and imagine what this is like, this nightmare of a reality for so many. I feel ridiculous coming on here and talking about myself and tiny problems compared to the mass tragedy going on out there to millions of innocent people. Refugees, losing their homes, lives and loved ones. What we can do, from the privilege of our warmth is to keep informed, donate any funds you can/ or possessions, and raise awareness. I will leave a link to Unicef and Red Cross donation pages below.*
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I’m back! Kind of. After a 6 month hiatus of sharing my unsought thoughts to the internet, I thought i’d add my two cents out here again. It’s taken a lot of self-talking-to’s to actually post something, as every recent time I’ve written something worth sharing, I get cold feet, and in bounds the self-criticism. If I’m honest, I’ve been struggling with my self-esteem and confidence a lot recently. Toward the end of 2021 I wasn’t in a good place mentally, and the repercussions of that have meant my self-worth has taken a beating. Although I do think I’m out the other side, it’s a two step forward one step back sort of situation. Anyone else in the same boat? A depressive episode carries so many nuanced parts to it: the decline, the hitting rock bottom, and then the building yourself back up slowly from it. It’s so easy to feel isolated, like it’s never going to go away. And I thought that. A good 4 months of anxiety attacks, hiding and being my own worst enemy. My mind was not a fun place to be in. I’d be lying if I said I got myself out the darkness on my own! My Mum being my ultimate rock, as well as the mutual care my friends and I had for one another.
Again, this is reminding me a whole lot about how important it is to be kind to yourself and others around you. Simple as: You just don’t know what people are going through. Most people I know in my life that I care deeply about have been/are still struggling with things heavily. No matter what degree. It is an incredibly tough time that we are finding ourselves in, a post pandemic world where we are still trying to figure ourselves out. Not to mention the global terrorisation of so many nations that we are watching live. Empathy and compassion are so needed in the current world we’re living in. It sounds so simple, something we get drilled into from a young age yet can so easily be forgotten. Hug thy neighbour!
I’ve needed this time to look after myself recently, but from here on I think I’ll try do the rest with some regular posts on here, and maybe we can get through whatever difficulties we are experiencing together. I’ll share some journal entries from the last 6 months of certain things that might be of help or anything I feel could be worth posting. Idk. This is feeling a little weird still, I’m definitely lacking that confidence I had last year with the blog. I guess we have to push ourselves out of our comfort zones in order to notice change. And that applies to anything really. And also stop caring what others think. We have one life and it’s too short to care about other peoples opinions!! I’m writing that as a reminder to myself too, btw.
Anyway. Proper posts coming soon. For now, I’ll leave you with a playlist of songs that have helped get me through these last few months. Music is the ultimate therapy!!! (Listen in order for best results).
Spring is near, love yourself, hug your friends and hang in there.
G. X
Enfant - El Michaels Affar
Dark Side Riddim - Ezra Collective
Dream Puppy - The Sweet Thoughts
Angel - Eganomixxxxx
I Gotta Find Peace of Mind - Ms. Lauryn Hill
I Do This All The Time - Self Esteem
Solitude - Billie Holiday
Hang Yr Hat - Cornelia Murr
Islands in the Sky - Murry Wilson
Oceanic Feeling - Molly Lewis
Ce Matin-la - Air
The Name of the Wave - Strange Cargo
Today - Jefferson Airplane
BOA - Sam Gendel
Can You Get To That - Funkadelic
Out in the Streets - Blondie
150 - Porij
Eyes Without a Face - Billy Idol
You’ve Gone - Bassline
Try Me On - Deee-Lite
Loungin’ - Guru, Jazzmatazz
The Ocean - Anchorsong
Rare Air - Midlife
Way Back When - Brenda Russell
It Never Rains in California - Albert Hammond (S/O Licorice Pizza!)
Some Things Cosmic - Angel Olsen
click below :)
UKRAINE AID
https://www.timeout.com/news/17-ways-you-can-help-the-people-of-ukraine-right-now-022822
https://www.unicef.org.uk/donate/donate-now-to-protect-children-in-ukraine/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwz7uRBhDRARIsAFqjulnRRExN2621dmSArmcn0tTJC_6a4379X2eRxILYcPjxUbCpY-q9xu8aAl6gEALw_wcB
PALESTINE AID
https://free-palestine.carrd.co/#donations
https://www.savethechildren.org.uk/where-we-work/middle-east/occupied-palestinian-territory
YEMEN AID
https://donate.redcross.org.uk/appeal/yemen-crisis-appeal?c_code=175151&c_source=google&c_name=Yemen%20Crisis%20Appeal&adg=help%20yemen&c_creative=generic&c_medium=cpc&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqruJ29fD9gIV0YBQBh1Gjw5_EAAYAyAAEgK0hfD_BwE
AFGHANISTAN AID
https://www.unicef.org.uk/donate/donate-and-help-protect-children-in-afghanistan/
Knowing you, Knowing me
Credit to pinterest
Hello all out there! I’ve had a few months off from writing my The Grateful Peg entries, and well, writing full stop really. Writer’s block could be one reason behind this, but to be honest it’s not just the feeling uninspired, but I haven’t really found the energy or time. Usually in this part of the year consists of a furiously busy schedule. And yes, I have been enjoying my time now that life is ‘opening up’ again, but real life has also caught up simultaneously. In true English fashion, here I am commenting on just how fast time is going, and how I can’t quite believe it’s September already…My summer has been filled with all sorts of events: I went away to Portugal (back in JUNE! but wow that already feels like last June), my best mate threw a festival, I’ve caught up with old friends and made some amazing new ones, spent time with family after a stupidly distant first half of the year, and I’ve started a new job which I’m whole-heartedly loving; all meanwhile trying to live presently.
In true Summer fashion, many of the healthy mind and body habits that were built over lockdown have definitely laxxed a bit, and as a result, my mental health has been a little bit more haywire. This is also down to a multiple of reasons like my leg developing a sore/blister/infection (from rubbing on my prosthesis), which flares up every time I slightly overdo it, coupled with a hormonal rollercoaster I can’t quite keep in the drivers seat. I’m noticing myself deal with this in a much more calm and collected way than say a year ago however, but sometimes just because you’ve figured out how to deal with things doesn’t make the ‘things’ much less difficult. In retrospect, I’ve realised that although the Summer months are laced with happy memories and parties galore, they are historically also when my mental health deteriorates (much induced by said parties and not looking after myself, of course).
It’s coming up to two years since my accident at the end of the month, I remember it like it was yesterday, and even more so where I was mentally that Summer. I was really depressed and lost, but what happened on that day with the bus really put me where I needed to be and shook me to my core. As I’ve mentioned and what I want to delve into further on this blog, is just how much of a positive change ‘it’ brought into my life. Changing my outlook, and helping me realise just how lucky we are to be put on this planet for such a short amount of time, and of course the gratitude that then followed suit. I was at the end of my tether, a lost puppy this time two years ago, even though life seemed great on the surface- 22 years old with amazing friends and family; but what about the relationship I had with myself? Battered. Yes, since I lost my leg that day (I need to think of a simpler way to refer to that day, the day my life changed for the better), I’ve gone to the deep depths of rock bottom and back. But since then, with help of therapy, EMDR, self-help books + podcasts, spirituality and my resulting own determination to push myself, I have come out the other side. It’s not all rosy, as mentioned earlier I still am struggling with things, but we all are.
Life doesn’t get ‘fixed’, you don’t suddenly get ‘better’ and that’s that. But what does change is your ability to deal with the forthcomings of life. We all get shit thrown at us, no matter the degree. But I believe it is how we handle it and the things we put in place to help us do so that really matters. This of course does not happen overnight, it has taken me two years to get to this point and I have much more to go, as we all do with life, but wow what a change that has come. The only constant thing in it is yourself, so make that the relationship of priority, as life is full of change and complexity, filled with ebbs and flows- or as Ronan Keating so eloquently says ‘Life is a rollercoaster, we just gotta ride it’.
So I thought I’d accompany this post with another carefully curated playlist (lol) of my current songs that have been accompanying me this Summer. If you’re feeling fancy you could even go so far to say they all kinda lift yer up in their own way… if you’re like me and use music as a form of therapy, and struggling out there in need of some lifting, then I hope these tunes at least help relieve some mental tension.
Writing and Music are both so important in my life, so sitting here tonight sorting this has helped cheer me up…so thanks for reading and listening to my public therapy sesh.
[Some old favourites and some new, thank you to those who introduced some of these into my life and into my permanent library of music for the soul]
Life is a Rollercoaster, Ronan Keating
T.V Scene (Sensurround Mix), Linda di Franco
First Base Bossa, Tim Love Lee
Love and Hate in a Different Time, Gabriels
Ewe, Fabiano Do Nascimento
The Magic Eye, The Zenman
Ever New, Beverly Glenn-Copeland
~~~~~~, Hidden Spheres
The Ocean, Anchorsong and Bookend
Future Perfect, The Durutti Column
Passion, PinkPantheress
Halftime, Nas
Deja Vu, Dionne Warwick
Billy Jack, Curtis Mayfield
one life, might live, Little Simz
Bust a Move, Young MC
In the Image, Beverly Glenn-Copeland
I’m Alright in the World, BC Camplight
Man on my Mind, Cornelia Murr
Sereia Sentimental, Sessa
Who Knows Where The Time Goes, Nina Simone
Southbound Again, Dire Straits
State of Independence, Donna Summer
THE LEFT BANK, Ryuichi Sakamoto and Robin Scott
Alone - Paradise, Don Carlos
Ready to Go, Republica
Insecure Me, Soft Cell
Raspberry Beret, Prince
Til next time,
The Grateful Peg, G X
LISTEN IN ORDER FOR FULL EXPERIENCE !
spring awakening
The Arrival of Spring, David Hockney, May 2011
Helloooo!!! The blog has seen a serious void recently, as I’ve had to prioritise the (slightly :p) more serious stuff in my life, being my University final year dissertation- which is very almost over!. This, combined with working on another very exciting project soon to come, means The Grateful Peg has been put on the back burner (I’m MASSIVELY procrastinating by writing this as we speak however, but then again I did start this blog as one big procrastination tactic so). I also had quite a tricky few weeks in March mentally; lots of which was triggered by everything that unfolded with Sarah Everard as well as other things. I’ll probably write about it all on here soon, but today I just want to natter on about two things that make me very happy: the season of Spring, and music.
I probably sound like every other person in their early 20s, but I have always been a mad music fanatic. Like proper canny get enough of the stuff, couldn’t choose a desert island top 5 if I tried! It can say so much without saying anything at all, and vice versa. I love how malleable a song can be, dependent on your mood or environment the same song can have so many different meanings. Of course, this can be both good and bad; listening to music can dampen your mood if it reminds you of something you don’t want reminding of. But it can also be a good friend, one that gasses you up and comforts your serotonin. I know that some people prefer listening to a podcast on their daily walk instead of a playlist, and each to their own of course. But I guess a good hybrid between the two is the radio. I’ve recently been having a particularly obsessive little moment for it, which started when I bought myself a radio alarm clock last year. Waking up to Lauren Laverne’s dulcet tones on Radio 6 in the morning instantly lifts my mood. I also always have time for listening to (a fraction in the plethora of) shows on the holy grail online network NTS.
[[[[[[[[[ I’ve been at my desk for 12 hours and haven’t left the house today, and after writing all that I just thought of an idea. If I were to have a radio show right now I’d play the tracks below, a compilation I’ll call a soundtrack to a Spring awakening. ]]]]]]]]]
I love Spring because it is a season budding with positive change; the blooming flowers, longer days and lighter skies. What is even more enjoyable is the conjunction this year it has with lockdown easing here in the UK, meaning we are able to enjoy the build up to Summer both organically and socially (FINALLY!!). The mixture of both will hopefully be a positive to look to for anyone out there struggling mentally after a really harsh 3rd lockdown and cold winter, I know it’s helping me. With any mental hardship, these things take time and so let it, by taking each day as it comes. Just remember there is so much out there to look forward to, there are brighter days ahead. I hope these tunes can help, too. I certainly can’t wait to get out in the sunshine when my dissertation’s over and give my ears a sweeet ride, it’s the least we deserve!
I’ll stop blabbering now and let the music speak for itself!! Enjoy and stay safe. G X
(listen in order)
The Verve, A Man Called Sun
Fleetwood Mac, Hypnotized
Sonia Ferguson, Easy to Love
Gloria Ann Taylor, Love is a Hurtin’ Thing
Minnie Riperton, Les Fleurs
Floating Points, Movement 6
Yasuaki Shimizu, Umi No Ue Kara
Little Dragon and Moses Sumney, The Other Lover
Aphex Twin, Ageispolis
Solange, Binz
Yussef Dayes, Alfa Mist and Mansur Brown, Love Is the Message
Outkast, Jazzy Belle
Frank Ocean, Swim Good
Greentea Peng, Hu Man
Georgia Anne Mudrow, Brokenfolks
DJ Cam, Dieu Reconnaitra Les Siens
Serge Gainsbourg, L’Anamour
Big Muff and Lisa Shaw, Feel What You Know (Smith & Mighty remix)
The The, Giant
The Cocteau Twins, Heaven or Las Vegas
Okay Kaya, Mother Nature’s Bitch
Solange, Losing You
*Edit: Finally worked out how to link a Youtube playlist which is linked below. Just press play and it’ll play itself!
BLUE MONDAY
Hello, I'm Georgia and like everyone, feeling a new case of loneliness stemming from the current amalgamation of our 3rd lockdown and general Winter blues. It is no coincidence I am writing on the official saddest day of the year- 'Blue Monday', as it was that bleak reminder which stirred me to write about my own current experience of mentally tackling the situation we find ourselves in.
I wrote this yesterday as an 'open letter' to send to friends, and with many requests to publish it further. So without further ado, here it is:
An open letter to myself, and anyone else locked down and struggling:
Sitting in the park on the day before the official saddest day of the year, Blue Monday, and admittedly feeling a bit sorry for myself as the loneliness sets in, and the affects of lockdown #3 leaving a fine imprint on my mental health- likewise the whole nation/ earthly population.
Unequivocally, were in a bit of a sh*t-show at the minute - reminded by the bleak reality whenever we switch on the news- hospitals at full capacity, death ‘ratings’ breaking records, borders being shut, and risking a fine when out on your daily walk if seen with a coffee in hand. You really couldn’t write this stuff, and if we were told a year ago this would be our reality you’d have science fiction authors slapping their knee thinking ‘damn, I wish I’d thought of that.’
With the borders closing us off to the world- it’s now not only an individuals battle of isolation, but both the literal and physical boundaries being put in place. But here I am writing to tell you, and to tell myself, that it's okay. It’s worth it. To sacrifice these times to help heal the world by shielding ourselves, therefore shielding the vulnerable. I guess it links to the theory more often used inside a gym- ‘no pain, no gain’. Sacrifice now for later. Our future selves are thanking us and are patting us on the back for enduring such a state.
But that doesn’t make the loneliness any less lonely does it? No.
With all of that being said, we’re one step ahead than where we were at yesterday. As we slowly but surely push ourselves through the lows to get to the highs. The reality we are faced with is making it difficult for us to see the black and white progress of getting through it at all in the first place. We are so lost in the carnage of it that we can’t see the bigger picture of surviving. You woke up today, and with whatever routine suit fit, you’re progressing through a pandemic which in years to come, when we are out of the shell shock its so kindly glazing over us, we can say we survived that.
As I sit here, in a eureka moment suddenly unclouded by the isolation, I realised we aren’t defined by the loneliness the lockdown is presenting us with (despite however much it feels like it is in the current moment). This is a temporary fixture as our brain attempts to dissect whatever the fuck is going on. What we have witnessed in the last year alone is enough to give anyone some form of PTSD; Wildfires. Global warming. Black Lives Matter protests. Recessions. Trumps idiocy.
So give yourself a break!
As humans it’s in our nature to crave and need social contact- a lockdown isn’t what we are programmed to enjoy/ endure. Times that would usually be spent with your piss up mates or going on sexy new dates are instead filled with failed attempts at crocheting, making marmalade or simply just scrolling through social media for 4 hours. On your own. With more time alone with your thoughts leaving your anxiety plentiful time to consume you thus spiralling into a panic attack which results in sleepless nights and attempting to practice your new found and necessary interest in calming breath work. That last part might be just a little too close to home..
So no, we are not defined by this temporary situation we find ourselves in. We are getting through each day which is enough to be proud of.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to reminisce and look back at memories of better times in fear of letting the worry spiral you into a further darkness as you compare it to your depressed today. Instead, look back at the good times to remind yourself that that is who you are - the person who loves to get down and busss down in a club (remember those?) as you rub up against a sweaty back, get raging pissed in your local stinking of a brewery, making festival friends in the portaloos, laugh so hard you wee, bathing in new cultures around the beautiful world, sing terrible karaoke in a cheap bar, and having glorious hangovers as reminders of the wonderful night you had prior (bonus point for said hangover with mates and a Bloody Mary in tow).
Look back at those times to help you have the motivation to look forward to what is to come. Which is exactly that but more (as you’ll be doing all above but with the inevitable growth this year has so KINDLY gifted).
This is a blip, a massive blip admittedly, but also a mutual blip that we are all going through. A mutually shared trauma which were still combatting.
The light IS at the end of the tunnel. In the mean time, give yourself a choccy digestive and a cup of tea cause you got out of bed today (also if you haven’t yet that’s fine to, make said incentive of cup of tea your reason to).
We’ve all got this- take It a day at a time and remember who YOU are!!!