limb loss awareness month
April is limb loss awareness month, and although it is basically over (oops) it’s never too late to spread awareness, especially with something which is so important to me.
*I want to preface these are my own experiences, everyone has their own story to tell! I want to help raise awareness through being transparent about the everyday ups and downs I face as a young amputee trying to navigate through an ableist world.
Before my accident I had little to no idea what went down when for an amputee. I genuinely thought if you lost a leg that you would just put a prosthetic leg straight on and off you went. I never thought about the trauma, the grief and the frustration that would come with it in the aftermath of an amputation. Some would say it’s naive, but I just never had much exposure to amputees- other than the Paralympics, stereotypes shown on TV (ahoy matey) or hearing of heroic War veterans. I never gave it much thought that literally anyone could lose a limb, let alone it happening so close to home.
I remember the day before my accident I was on a train from Suffolk to London; a man in his mid-40s who had a prosthetic leg was sitting opposite me one seat away. It was the first time I'd ever been that up close to someone with a prosthetic leg. I remember assuming immediately that he must have been a veteran (because they’re the only people who are amputees, right?), and thinking it looked both insanely badass but incredibly arduous to deal with. Little did I know that exactly 24 hours later I'd be involved in a life-changing accident that would give me the same reality of that man. Because there are still a few days left in Limb Loss awareness month I thought I'd help share what I've learnt since embarking on this change.
To recover from losing something so vital like a limb flips you on your head and it forces you to reassess life and start again. As a woman with a disability, It’s been difficult to readjust my place in a world that is not catered for people like me. Living in London, and especially now as we can get out a bit more, I’ve struggled with the amount of walking that is needed to literally get from A to B; whether you’re changing platforms in the underground or walking from the station to the park. Don’t get me wrong- as previously mentioned, I love a walk. This re-found love is because I merely have the freedom to do so again, for which I feel so appreciative and grateful. But there’s a difference between going out for a walk on my own accord (i.e sitting for a rest every 10-15 minutes), and feeling at a disadvantage to the system when I’m trying to simply get around.
I relearned how to walk again in a completely new way. Short of one leg, and requiring putting pressure on the end of my stump (big ouch) and finding a new relationship with balance. I almost always am filled with determination every time I step out for a walk with hopes that ‘today will be a good leg day’, but it’s a gamble. Life with a prosthetic leg means it is repeatedly the main thing on my mind especially when I’m on the move, whether it's going to be unproblematic (and how long that will last) or whether I'm fed up of the discomfort trickling in, causing me to sit down.
When I’m with my friends and family I suppose my true British bones shine through and I uphold the 'stiff upper lip' mentality. I often keep going even if I'm in pain or discomfort because my thinking is I'd rather not cause a fuss (And plus we’d never get to wherever we're going in time if we go at the glacial pace that I'd prefer). Truthfully, I usually don’t mind doing this (and this even translates into when I’m walking on my own sometimes)- perhaps because of this ingrained attitude to just get on with it. However, the mental takeaway of having a physical disability is what sticks, often finding myself wince when I see someone doing something I currently can’t yet do because of my disability (emphasis on currently, as I know I can one day!). I remember asking my doctor when the pain will go away, and them replying that it will never go away but I will simply get used to it. I now know what he means, but I don’t necessarily mind as it has just become a part of my life.
As always there are days harder than others like when my leg is so unbearable I have to take it off as soon as I can. When you’re dealing with silicone (my liner inside the prosthesis) when walking, it often feels like I've got a sweaty oven attached to my knee (really not holding back on this transparency am I). My current mental disposition is when I’m not feeling as emotionally strong and my hot leg getting in the way of any menial activity. Like the other day when we were blessed with some brief summer heat; I went to the park, book in hand, for a nice little relaxing hour in the sun. Except it wasn’t relaxing. Halfway there my leg was so intolerably hot, I found the nearest green patch to sit on and then spent the next 15 minutes debating whether to take it off, as it was so busy and I didn’t want anyone to see. I’m only human and there are of course days where you succumb to societal shame of being ‘different’. Of course the sizzling heat won and I threw it off, instantly feeling better. Well, physically anyway. Mentally I was left with a feeling of being so fed up and was exhausted that this was going to be my reality. I guess it still is early doors in my new chapter of dealing with limb loss and everything that comes with it, and so there's of course still ups and downs (but isn’t that with everything in life?). I’m lucky that the good days usually out weigh the bad, days where I don’t give a damn and will take my leg off on a bench in full view.
Although I’m blabbering on about the hardships, losing a limb is the best thing that has happened to me for how it has allowed me to reassess life as I know it, and I am so f’n proud to be an amputee!! I guess that's why I have chosen to publicly display my thoughts and feelings online, to share my perspective that I've gained and spread awareness of the realities of losing a limb. It comes with so many mental and physical battles that the human body isn’t biologically prepared for at first, but what I’ve learnt is how brilliantly malleable we are and how we can adapt to our situations.
A lot of very kind people along the way have been very complimentary at how I’ve dealt with my accident, and it always leaves me thinking 'but no one knows how they’ll truly act when faced with something like this’. After all, losing a limb does not make you inferior or less of a person in any way (…except for physically of course). Yes, it comes with its drawbacks and life is a little bit harder. But I would never change what has happened to me for the outlook I have gained. It puts everything in perspective, after all I have lost a limb but gained so much more!!!
Some things I think are worth knowing:
(These are from my experiences only and I know everyone is different)
I don’t sleep or shower with my leg on, ever
It’s *always* comfier to take my leg off
I can’t run on my everyday prosthetic as the bottom of the socket would bash the bottom of my stump, that’s what blades are for as the socket is suspended in air
As mentioned earlier, my leg gets so uncomfortable in the heat because my liner is made of silicone. Put the two together, not a happy marriage
There is no one size fits all, every prosthetic is unique to the person as we all have different shapes, scars and sizes
You can choose to have a cosmesis (thing shaped like leg over the metal bit), but I currently love having my metal leg on show
As a below knee amputee, I expend 30% more energy than an able bodied person. This means I get waaay more tired by everyday activities
I still get phantom pains and tingling, where the rest of my leg would have been. It’s the worst at night and often feels like really bad pins and needles
I can only wear particular shoes that are fairly flat at the moment to work with the angle my prosthetic foot is at, i.e. no heels x
Usually a permanent prosthetic lasts 3-5 years unless you have any complications
I can still swim, but without my prosthesis (there’s a video on my Instagram of me attempting breast stroke)
And finally, no, I can’t feel it when someone touches my prosthetic leg. Technology isn't that clever. Yet.
