2 years on, and a letter to my Dad

Dedicating today to my dad 

Today marks 2 years since I lost my leg.

In that time we’ve all experienced a devastating pandemic which has shifted the world as we knew it upside down. We lost our ‘normal’, and it only now really feels like we’re actually picking up the pieces again. In years to come it will be interesting to look back and see the time that I underwent a life transforming experience in my accident, it coincided with the world doing just that too with Covid. 

Anyway I could ramble as I do about things but I really want to highlight the feelings of grief, loss, and growth. 

I’ll just say this: I’ve experienced many losses through out my life, losing my leg included. I still have days and moments which really get me down. Grief never really goes, it shrinks and becomes more embedded in you, a part of you.

But throughout these losses, I have experienced so much growth. Loss ignites growth, no matter how far down the line you feel it. It doesn’t bring that person or thing back, but allows us to look inwardly and build ourselves up from the bottom.

Two years on, and I feel like it’s the best thing that could have happened to me. Trust the timing of you life.

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I want to share something different and quite personal. I always said I’d be happy to share whatever feels right on this blog, and this seems fit for today. 

I wrote this a few days ago when I was really missing my dad:

I guess I’ve just needed to get this all off my chest, it’s been a while. 

I miss you everyday, and I would have loved for you to see my milestones alongside me. I know everything happens for a reason. It took me many years to learn that after your death, but I really see it now with my accident and what has happened since. I can’t believe it has been two years already. I know you’re my ‘guardian angel’ looking out for us and you’re helping these incredible opportunities happen with the universe.Life is cruel at times and for something that can be so beautiful, it can be so unfair. 

With the 20 year anniversary and reading the accounts of the children of 9/11, an immense tragedy of our generation, i couldn’t help but resonate. Although the circumstance different, we share a certain type of loss. Reading the accounts of children who lost their dad at such a similar young age was soul shifting and extremely confronting. And I’ve realised i perhaps buried these feelings as it’s been so long. One girl who lost her dad in the WTC perfectly put it, ‘’although growing up it was normal for me to not have a dad, it’s hit me now that I don’t have one to share my milestones with’. 

That hit hard!

I know you’ve always meant so much to me in my subconscious, like I think my (and my siblings) profound love of music is because of you. My love for Steely Dan and The Beatles is on a deeper level, because I know they were your favourite bands. Driving around in your old beetle car listening to a Hard Days Night, will be forever my favourite memory! And how my favourite place on earth is visiting Granny and Auntie Bevs in Suffolk, because that’s the only physical link I have left of grounds I know you’ve also walked. I’ve always known you’ve been there by our side through everything that’s happened in our lives since we lost you. 

I will always be so grateful I only lost my leg that day and not my life. Someone pulled me back that day from the road, and I think you had something to do with it! Losing you will always be harder than losing a leg. I dedicate my life to you, I hope I make you proud.

I love you. I miss you. I’ll see you on the other side.