Fall back/ Spring forward

Notes on my current physical setback, and how it needed to happen

I thought my first Grateful peg entry after a hiatus was going to be centred around positivity, freedom and optimism blah blah. Although I do want to open conversation into the more encouraging parts of life, that might need to be a different post…Right now, I’m needing to use this space as an outlet for my current situation and frustrations; hopefully to shed light on the extremities/ realities of the mind vs. body, as someone with a physical disability. 

Today, I am experiencing the worst compromise with my leg that I have had since the acute recovery stage. I have woken up with a pretty gnarly skin infection on my stump (stump is my leg, not a nice word, not sure what else to call it). It isn’t helping that I also have a throat infection as well and I’m struggling to eat or drink anything. Essentially my body is so rundown its not strong enough to attack all these infections, a huge signifier to slow the F down!!! But I’m grateful I am mentally strong enough to not let this all fully get me down, which can only be down to past experiences with physical setbacks I guess (growth!) 

Truthfully, it is incredibly painful. The worst part is I can’t put my prosthetic leg on at all, as the socket of my bionic leg pushes against the infection. It isn’t glamorous, it’s painful, frustrating, and actually just really annoying! The mental ties woven into this all as someone who has gained a disability in life, is incredibly nuanced. 4 years in, and I still need to check myself to rest when I need to, as my mind is still trying to push forward. It feels pretty debilitating as I sit on my sofa writing this, I’ve had to bring every item I might need in the next couple of hours next to me to avoid moving around.

My physio would be so unhappy to hear this, but I am literally hopping around the place as my mode of transport! *Update, I’m using crutches and they are a godsend*. Speaking of walking aids, I want to touch on my relationship with wheelchairs. I was in a wheelchair for 8 months at the beginning of my recovery. I became pretty attached and it took a while to feel confident enough to finally not use it at all. 3 years on, and I haven’t had to use it since. Until today, this would probably be the first time I’m admitting I could use the aid. Wheelchairs are incredible, they get those from A to B, who otherwise cannot. My mind is trying to tell me that surrendering to the chair will undo all the progress I have made. But that is so ridiculous because I am lucky to even still be here living breathing! 

At the end of the day, we all want agency in our lives. To be in control, and achieve goals you set yourself. I am so incredibly grateful for my body and how it has recovered, I’ve travelled to places I never thought I could, walk on terrains I found tricky, and most importantly, I can dance!!! (this was my first worry when I was in hospital, to never dance again - shows my priorities lol). Today as I’m reflecting with this injury looking at me in the eye, it has really allowed me to see my past 3/4 years as progress and strength. I guess it takes the setbacks to make you realise what you have, right?

This physical set back is yet another reminder for me to be patient with my body. It gets confusing when my mind is feeding off the  progression, under assumption that I am able bodied when in fact, I am not. And that is ok! My body literally says hold on a second there, look after me, I’m hurting. We need to listen to ourselves and try find that happy medium between patience and ambition.

I’ve worked on my physical strength and in the best shape of my life, as I have realised how precious your body is and how much we need to look after it as much as possible. I found a gym where I feel so looked after, and gained enough confidence to join weekly Barre and Pilates classes (shoutout to Ellya and Christina for being amazing instructors that they are). I have been lucky that recently my leg really hasn’t given me too many issues, not enough to make me stop in my tracks. I guess this physical set back was a long time coming, I was probably getting too cocky thinking ‘I might have a bionic leg but everything’s fine, I’ve recovered now’. When in reality, I am still trying to juggle the mind/body relationship and allowing for more fallback.

This is a reminder to myself, and anyone who needs to hear it, that not everything is finite. Life is for the ups and downs, no feeling is permanent. We need the upsets to remind us what we have, how we can learn and listen to our bodies, and this ultimately always helps us grow. I am just under 4 years into inhabiting this new body/ subsequent life, and therefore I am the 4 years of all of the highs and lows that comes with it. For the rest of my life, our lives, we will be met with pullback affecting our minds, bodies, souls. I am writing this today as a reminder to myself and anyone that it’s ok to slowdown, good times are coming, we will walk again! Without the bad how can we appreciate the good?

Lots of Love,

G xx